


100 Days of Yumikuri

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Drabbles, F/F, Fluff, idk - Freeform, yumikuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:52:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 12,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Yumikuri one-shots.<br/>When Ymir finally reveals to Christa that she likes girls, her response is surprising.<br/>(this fic is on an indefinite hiatus)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Marry Me (Part 1)

**Author's Note:**

> Some chapters will be connected to each other (so they're not all technically one-shots) and will be labled as "Part 1","Part 2", etc. They're all in the snkverse, so none of it's in an alternate universe or anything. And I (probably) won't add a new chapter every day, but my goal is around two to three a week since they are fairly short. It's basically a collection of ideas I had for other fics but I don't have the time to write them.
> 
> Also some chapters are going to be longer than others, it all just depends on how much time I have haha.

When Ymir finally reveals to Christa that she likes girls, her response is surprising.

“Oh.” Christa murmurs, looking away. “I didn’t know you were like that.”

Ymir’s heart lurches. She is close with Christa, and she doesn’t want to lose that. Not here, not now. Ymir holds her breath, waiting for the blonde to respond. The girl had never complained about the flirting, and now Ymir wonders if it’s since she never took it seriously. Not until a few seconds ago.

“Are you saying that because you feel that way about me?” Christa asks with caution, staring at Ymir with her big eyes.

Ymir nods, exhaling slowly.

“I’d be lying if I said…I have feelings for you that are strictly platonic.” Christa admits.

Ymir sucks in her breath. Christa reaches out for her hand.

“You were my first friend.” Christa explains. “And I really care about you. But we’re soldiers. We’re probably not going to survive for that long.” She squeezes Ymir’s hand gently. “Now’s not the time for romance. I’m sorry.”

Ymir smiles softly.

“It’s fine. I just wanted you to know.”

The girls smile at each other, and return to the barracks.

There is no strain on their relationship. In fact, the two grow closer, they understand each other, even more than they did after their mission in the mountains.

…

 “When all this is over, marry me, baby!” Ymir says, laughing. Christa’s head spins. After all the horror and tragedy she’s witnessed, she cannot believe Ymir would bring _that_ up at such a time.

Yes she can. It’s in Ymir’s nature to joke around when things are serious.

That night, when the brunette is supposedly sleeping in her bunk, Christa leans over and whispers, “I will.”

“You will what?” Ymir whispers back.

“Marry you.” she answers, her tone revealing that she’s dead serious.

Ymir’s eyes flash open, barely seen in the dark.

“When we defeat the titans, I’ll marry you.”

Ymir chuckles quietly.

“You mean it.” Ymir says.

“You know I do.”

“Does that make you my intended?”

Christa huffs.

“Sorry, sorry. I’ll leave it be.”

Ymir feels hope for the first time. 


	2. Incapable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Historia doesn’t think she is capable of love.

Historia doesn’t think she is capable of love. Christa is- Christa smiles and is kind to everyone.

Growing up, Historia didn’t have time to dwell on romance. She wanted her mom to acknowledge her, she wanted friends, she wanted to be happy. Occasionally she’d dream about a girl rescuing her and taking her far, far away from all of this. But she knew dreaming wouldn’t get her anywhere, and tried to focus on what she could do on her own, which is why she tries so hard to be seen as Christa: the caring girl. Sometimes she wishes Christa could save her.

When Historia meets Ymir she doesn’t think too much of her. Yes, she notes her height and her pretty face and her borderline obnoxious personality, but it doesn’t stir anything inside of her. She treats Ymir how she treats everyone else.

At first she doesn’t pay attention to the fact that it’s often Ymir who’s her partner, Ymir who eats with her, Ymir who she spends her free time with. This tall, dark skinned, freckled girl full of snide remarks and rude comments is who she wants to be with the most. She doesn’t know why. She knows it must look silly to others, her angelic persona spent with who appears to be her opposite. But she’s okay with that.

Eventually, Historia doesn’t have to fake her smiles around Ymir anymore. They come naturally. When they’re alone, the older girl will sometimes say something _nice_ to her. Historia remembers these rare instances when she can’t fall asleep at night.

As much as it infuriates her, the smirk the brunette makes after saying something snarky drives Historia wild. She won’t let it show though, usually head-butting or lecturing the taller girl into a stunned silence. This satisfies her to no end.

On one free day, the two sit outside together, leaning against a tree. There’s a soft breeze, and it feels peaceful.

They haven’t spoken for a few moments. Silently, Ymir curls up and uses Historia’s lap as a pillow.

“Is this okay?” Ymir asks before closing her eyes.

Historia fakes a gasp. “What’s this, Ymir asking for permission?” She laughs coarsely. “It’s fine, you deserve some rest.” Her smile disappears when she realizes she can’t tell if that was really _her_ talking. She feels…something but she’s not sure if it’s happiness or not.

She strokes Ymir’s hair. Her breathing is even. _She must be tired._

She’s tempted to doze off as well, but she’s entranced by looking at the older girl. She wonders why Ymir chooses _her_ when there are people far more genuine to be with. But Historia doesn’t complain. Ymir is her first friend.

…

“Ymir be nice!” Historia scolds. Unfortunately Ymir caught Armin without his two defenders, and she’s in an especially sarcastic mood.

“Will I be rewarded if I let him go?”

Historia makes eye contact with Armin, and she worries about Ymir. Once Mikasa hears about this...well, that’s future Ymir’s problem.

“Yes.” she answers confidently, surprising herself.

It works. Armin is gone- not risking suffering through Ymir’s insults again.

“So what do I get?” Ymir poses, hovering over the shorter girl. “A hug? A kiss on the cheek-”

Historia cuts her off by pulling Ymir down and kissing her clumsily on the lips.

Ymir breaks it off almost instantly, her eyes wide. She looks angry.

“What was that for?” she accuses.

Historia takes a step back. “You’re always joking about that kind of stuff… I thought it’s what you wanted.” She looks down. She can feel the tears building up- she doesn’t want to cry, and she’s unsure why she feels so hurt.

Ymir’s expression changes, her eyes suddenly soft.

“Hey, Christa I’m sorry.” She glances around, it’s still only the two of them in the hallway. “I just, I know you don’t feel that way.”

“What way?” Historia asks, tilting her head.

Ymir closes her eyes and sighs.

“I-I _like_ you, romantically. I thought it was obvious.”

_Romantically. But-_

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to kiss me.”

“I thought it’d make you happy.”

“I want it to make _you_ happy.”

_Oh._

Historia stares at Ymir, trying to read her, she looks more vulnerable than she’s ever seen her.

“You’re right.” Historia agrees, tucking hair behind her ear. She’s nervous and can’t explain why. “I don’t feel that way.”

Ymir is trying not to look disappointed.

“It’s not because you’re a girl!” she adds hastily. “I just…I don’t think I can love, I’ve never thought about it.”

“Love?” Ymir laughs. “Who said anything about love?”

“But-”

“C’mon let’s go see if there are some desserts leftover, I’m hungry again.” Ymir walks over and ruffles her hair, changing the mood.

 _I want to talk to you about this,_ Historia thinks, but the moment is gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly can't see Historia falling for Ymir right away. And I think once she does fall for her- she can't put it into words, never experiencing anything like it before.


	3. Where You'll Be Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Historia is in the top ten, she can join the military police, but that doesn't mean anything to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: alcohol. And this is right before Trost happens.

Historia sits alone, looking at her fellow comrades getting drunk. They display various sorts of emotion, none of which she can feel or even try to understand.

“Congrats on getting in the top ten, Christa!” Ymir exclaims. “Beer?” she offers with a grin.

“Ah…thanks.” she replies, taking the drink.

Ymir doesn’t look too pleased with that response. “What’s with you?” She sits right next to the blonde, putting her arm around her. “You should be happier! It’s the military police! You’ll get to live in the interior, you know, living a life full of comfort.”

Historia shrugs her arm off. “Why are _you_ so excited about this? You won’t be there.” she points out, skeptical. She knows she doesn’t deserve her position. Yes, she did try, and study, and push herself, but she lacks the physical strength many of the others have. Historia is certain Ymir belongs to the top ten- not her.

Ymir is no longer smiling, and Historia wonders if she’s being so enthusiastic because she doesn’t want to think about her own fate. _You should be in the military police_ , she thinks. _Not me._

“Well let’s celebrate then!” she says upliftingly. Ymir is watching her- not buying it.

Historia feels slightly guilty, she doesn’t want to deceive Ymir. But Ymir decides to play along, as if they both acknowledged that this isn’t a meaningful celebration.

Ymir slowly picks up Historia’s drink and places it in front of her mouth, challenging her. Historia grabs Ymir’s wrist firmly, and uses the other to grab the cup. She starts chugging the beer- regretfully, it tastes awful, but Ymir has a wild look in her eye and Historia braces herself as she downs it.

She wants to show Ymir that she can do this. The taller girl looks surprised, and almost flustered when the roles reverse. Historia is standing on a table, leaning down, a hand on Ymir’s shoulder, the other holding Ymir's mug, watching her experience what she just went though.

It’s not too long before Historia feels woozy. She’s sitting now. Ymir is laughing- at her or someone else- she can’t tell. She smiles anyway. And hugs Ymir- she feels warm.

The freckled girl tenses immediately.

“I think you might’ve had too much to drink, Christa.”

“Damn right.” she murmurs. She’s not _drunk_ but she’s not sober either. She doesn’t let go of Ymir, the contact feels nice. “Carry me to bed.” she commands quietly.

“Okay, I’m not letting you near beer again- ever.” Ymir decides. She lifts up Historia, and she wraps her arms around the brunette’s neck. Their faces are close, too close, and Historia blushes. She could kiss her if she wanted to.

Ymir seems to realize this too, her freckles are a little more prominent thanks to the redness in her cheeks, or maybe that’s just from drinking. Regardless, Ymir shifts Historia to a more convenient position.

She can’t remember the last time she felt so comfortable, so safe. Too soon, Ymir places her softly in her bunk. She’s about to leave when Historia grabs her hand.

“Stay with me.” she begs.

Ymir looks at her intently with those beautiful amber eyes.

 _Beautiful?_ Maybe Historia _did_ drink too much.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Christa.”

“This is our last night together.” she points out, knowing Ymir won’t be able to refuse.

Ymir falters, and she sits on the edge of the bed.

“I’ll miss you.” Historia finds herself saying and Ymir lies next to her, facing the other way.

“You don't need to say nice things to me to make yourself feel better.”

Historia ignores that comment, tentatively gripping Ymir’s wrist. “You were my first friend.”

The older girl rolls over and faces her. “I know.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I dunno, I’ll probably join the stationary guard.”

“No scouting legion for you?” There is tension behind the words. She hasn’t told Ymir she doesn’t want to join the military police.

Ymir snorts. “You couldn’t pay me to be part of that suicidal mission.” She pauses, looking solemn. “Don’t tell me you’re considering the other options.”

Historia doesn’t reply. She closes her eyes.

“Hey, look at me.” Ymir inches closer to her. The blonde’s eyes open, she’s glaring. She knew Ymir wouldn’t be happy with this.

“You _have_ to join the military police. You’ll be _safe_ there _._ ” Her voice wavering as if this pains her.

Historia sighs and her eyes shut. She nestles up against Ymir’s side.

“I’m safe with you.” Exhaustion overwhelms her, and she drifts off instantly.

For once she doesn’t have bad dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based off a [deleted panel which I personally think should have stayed.](http://yumikuries.tumblr.com/post/93141594638/calicojill-spoilers-i-wish-this-storyboard)


	4. You've Got Nothing More To Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir already had her second chance at life, she doesn't believe she deserves a third one.

When Ymir looks at Historia for the last time, she’s certain she’s not brave enough to follow through. Her heart is heavy, she doesn’t _want_ to go.

“ _Sorry_.” she tells her, in her titan form. She’s always been bad with words, but she’s too exhausted to even attempt a more heartfelt apology. And she leaves. She can’t afford to look back. She can’t afford to think that this is the last time she’ll see Historia.

She wishes she could have taken her with her. But she’s supposing that she’ll be devoured by the warriors and she can’t trust Historia’s life in anyone else’s hands.

“I don’t even care anymore.” she says, sprawled out and panting. Honestly she’s amazed she’s still alive. Her whole body aches and her stomach feels swishy as if all her internal organs rearranged themselves. They probably did.

Ymir really doesn’t care. Yes, she’s terrified of what’s in store for her, but it’s less scary knowing that Historia will be unharmed and protected and happy. After everything she’s been through, Historia deserves it.

Ymir’s heart feels lighter. The girl she cares about more than anything will be _safe_. No warriors will be near her, no titans either, most likely, from how things are looking.

 “I’m so fucking tired.” She is. Ymir is tired of running and scavenging and _lying_ , tired of pretending that she’ll get her happy ending. She already got her second chance at life, and it was more than what she could have ever asked for- thanks to Historia. She doesn’t believe she deserves a third try.

Ymir looks up at the sky. It’s a cloudless night. The moon above is a glistening golden color.

“It’s not bad to play goddess.” she says, alluding to the girl she loves. She nearly smiles, reaching up, praying that Historia’s life will be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "With One's Heart in One's Mouth" by Moving Mountains.


	5. Nothing Goes As Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Constantly, Ymir tried to make it clear- she was doing this all for herself.
> 
> “I’m here for my own sake.” she repeatedly told her, and Historia had been naïve enough to hope, to believe Ymir was looking out for her anyway.

“You too! Come with me! There’s no future inside these walls!" Ymir said.

_No future._

Historia believed her. She gave it up, throwing it away instantly- a future in these walls without Ymir was not the future she wanted. At the time, Historia could hardly process everything- the events unfolding before her eyes were more chaotic than anything she could come up with: Ymir risking her life to save her, Ymir being captured, Bertholdt and Reiner being the very titans that caused this destruction. She understood that Ymir was in trouble- and she would do anything to help her.

Historia reflects on every word Ymir said to her, trying to make sense of her actions. She sits on the corner of her bed, pulling her knees to her chest. She has no more tears to cry so she heaves, wondering if she can keep breathing. Ymir used to be there for her on nights like these.

If Ymir had asked she would have left with her in a second, no regrets. She was ready to betray humanity if it meant they would live for themselves. Ymir knew that, didn’t she? Historia told her she was on her side, and she meant it. Ymir must have known, choosing to leave her anyway.

“Ymir’s only serious when it’s about you.” Connie remarked. Historia doesn’t believe that anymore.

Constantly, Ymir tried to make it clear- she was doing this all for herself.

“ _I’m here for my own sake.”_ she repeatedly told her, and Historia had been naïve enough to hope, to _believe_ Ymir was looking out for her anyway.

That was before Ymir left her to die alone.

Now she has no chance. She doesn’t have any faith in the others. She doesn’t know how they made it this far.

_I was never meant to be Queen._

_I was never even meant to be born._

“There’ll be no one telling you ‘it’d be better if you’ve never been born’ out there!” Ymir pointed out, absurdly.

She thought it meant Ymir actually cared about her, actually _glad_ she existed.

No, Historia thought Ymir _loved_ her, and the hardest thing for Historia to admit is that she loved her too. She didn’t realize it till after Ymir had gone, and now it pains her to think about. She can’t do anything about it. Her stomach lurches. Maybe she imagined it all. Maybe Ymir only saw her as a bargaining chip for her own life. Maybe she imagined Ymir loved her so she felt wanted since she’s just that self-centered.

The doubt makes her insides cold.

_You said we’d live a life for ourselves._

Historia feels nothing but turmoil inside. She said she wouldn’t forgive Ymir.

It wasn’t in Christa’s nature to hold grudges…but now Historia is unsure of who she is or what she feels.

She wants to slap Ymir, to cut her out of her life. Yet on the other hand she wants to kiss her and hold her- a reassurance that they’re both alive.

Historia trembles, knowing she won’t get the chance to do either. Ymir is gone, and she’s never coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just felt like writing about this poor little gay angst baby.


	6. Not Into Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christa could care less about boys paying attention to her.

“All the boys were staring at you, Christa!” Mina exclaims.

“They were?” the girl asks in response. She frowns slightly.

“Did you really not notice?”

“No.”

“It’s because you’re so innocent looking!” Ymir interrupts, wearing a cocky expression.

Christa doesn’t respond, eyeing Ymir. The taller girl averts her eyes. Mina coughs.

“Well Christa, you’ll have to give me some advice.” Mina jokes. She had been sitting across the table in front of Christa, now she’s standing up. She yawns theatrically. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed, ‘night Christa.”

“’Night,” she says softly, continuing to stare at the freckled girl.

“Do I really look that innocent?” she asks.

Ymir shrugs, finally returning Christa’s gaze. “What?”

“I don’t pay attention to _them_ watching me.” Christa admits, daringly. A smirk begins to form.

“Yeah, you just addressed that.” Ymir points out.

“I notice _you_ looking at me.”

Ymir tenses. “Christa _everybody_ looks at you. Everyone looks at everyone. I’m looking at you right now.”

That confidence suddenly disappears.

Ymir looks a bit guilty.

_Wait, Ymir, guilty?_

The taller girl scratches her neck.

Christa’s heart begins to race.

“I’m not interested in boys.” Christa elaborates.

Ymir raises an eyebrow. “I would hope not, we’re kind of in the middle of training to be soldiers. It’d be awful if you got knocked up or something.”

Christa glares. “That’s not what I mean at all. I’m pretty sure you know that.”

“Oh?” Ymir asks with false surprise.

“Whatever.” Christa huffs defiantly, not wanting to deal with Ymir’s bullshit.

“Explain it to me.” Ymir presses, inching closer to the girl.

“ _No_.”

“That’s not fair.”

“ _You’re_ not fair!” Christa retorts childishly.

Ymir shakes her head and slugs her arm around her shoulder. The blonde grins.

They sit like that for a while. No one is paying them any attention.

Christa leans into her. “I know you’re into girls.” she whispers.

“Huh? Are you trying to say something?” the brunette asks.

“We should head back, it’s getting late.”

“Oh, yeah.” Ymir quickly removes her arm and half slouches while walking. Christa reaches out for her hand and intertwines their fingers. They’re too shy to look at each other, walking hand in hand.

Briefly, Christa is oblivious to the hollowness inside of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to make up for the sadder stuff from earlier today! I did my best to keep it from being too sappy, haha.


	7. Favors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir helps Christa without asking for anything in return. Christa decides to repay her anyway.

Ymir doesn’t mean to follow Christa out after dinner. Or to end up helping Sasha. Or to eat breakfast with the girl the following morning.

“Thank you again for bringing Sasha back to bed last night.”

Ymir forms a half smirk before taking a swig of water. “Don’t mention it.”

“I owe you one.”

The brunette turns to face her. “You were helping her out of the kindness of your own heart, right? So don’t worry about it.” Ymir winks.

Christa seems too busy trying to figure out the implications in her words than the wink itself. Ymir, however, quickly shoves food in her mouth, trying her best to appear nonchalant.

She glances at Christa, with her porcelain skin and sky-blue eyes, soft-looking lips-

_Soft?_

As if she can read her thoughts, Christa licks her lips, slowly.

The blonde faces Ymir. “Am I good?”

Ymir blinks. “What?”

“Do I have any food on my face?”

“No, you’re perfect.” A slight panic runs through her. _Shit._

She swears she sees Christa’s cheeks redden for a second as the blonde stands up. Ymir places her attention to her food.

“Uh, Ymir?” she asks.

“Yeah?” the freckled girl angles her body so she’s facing Christa’s direction. Which happens to be her backside.

“Can you make sure the straps are on tight enough?” she requests, sounding too innocent for this to be out of genuine concern. “I don’t want them to come undone.” she adds.

“S-sure.” Ymir swings her legs over the bench, so they’re in a more comfortable position. Hunching over, she fumbles with the strapping on the back of Christa’s knee.

“Higher.” Christa demands, shyly. Ymir’s grateful she’s facing the other way, her face is hot as she fiddles with a buckle. A buckle that happens to be right below Christa’s butt, her very nicely shaped butt.

Ymir can’t deny she has the slightest urge to slap it.

“There- all clear.”

“Thanks!” Christa whips around, looking down at her. “I think that takes care of the favor I owe you.” Christa winks. Before Ymir has a chance to say anything, Christa walks off with a slight bounce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually working on a sadder story for them when this idea popped up. (I'm glad it did).


	8. Nightmares and Daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir sees Christa talking to Bertholdt and Reiner, not sure why this unsettles her so much.

Christa is talking to Bertholdt and Barracks in the dining area. Ymir’s not sure why this bugs her so much, staring at the back of the blonde girl’s head.

“Oi, Christa.” she says. Her mouth tastes better, she feels as if she’s being possessive- that’s not her intention whatsoever. But something doesn’t feel right.

Christa ignores her. The three keep prattling away as if she didn’t say anything.

Ymir clears her throat. “Oi, Christa.” she repeats loudly. The hair rises on the back of her neck.

_Christa’s not safe._

The blonde doesn’t move but Reiner looks at her menacingly. His eyes are a burning shade of red. Ymir’s blood goes cold.

“Christa.” she pleads, her voice cracking. Ymir reaches out to touch the girl, to pull her away, but suddenly she’s not there. Something touches the back of her shoulder.

Ymir jolts awake. She’s facing Bertholdt, who’s looking at her sadly, as he always is these days.

“It’s time to get moving.” he says.

Ymir sits up and prepares herself.

The nightmare haunts her throughout the day. She knows she’s upset Christa- Historia, ignored her, yet she can’t wrap her finger around the scariest part.

It hits her as she tries to fall asleep that night: she couldn’t see the girl’s face.

How long has it been since she last saw her face? What if she never sees her again?

 _I don’t even get to see her face in my dreams,_ she thinks woefully.

…..

There’s a great mountain, covered with trees and topped with snow. Ymir has to lift her head up in attempt to look at the top, it seems too far away to be real.

So does Historia.

Although logically it doesn’t make sense, Ymir sometimes wonders if the girl was ever real. It seems like her whole life has been travelling with her shifter companions. Everything prior is a painful blur- except for Historia. Historia makes it too good to be true, there’s no way a miracle like that existed in her miserable life.

“Ymir!” she hears a feminine voice call out excitedly.

_That voice._

“Ymir!” she hears it again.

Her chin throbs from an outburst of pain.

She looks down- and Historia is _right there_ before her eyes, looking up at her.

“Historia!”

The blonde frowns.

“What was that for?” she questions, touching her chin.

“You left.”

“Historia- I’m so, so sorry I-”

“I had to finish training today without a partner, do you know how hard that is?”

Ymir looks at her sleeves, sure enough she’s donning her uniform.

“Don’t do that again.” Historia lectures. She’s nearly pouting.

Ymir wants to hug her, hold her, _feel_ her so badly but she’s stuck, frozen. Somewhere the back of her mind is complaining about how she can’t even touch Historia in her dreams.

She’s looking at her, the words she’s saying aren’t making sense anymore, but Ymir doesn’t mind. She’s just grateful to see her.

 

Bertholdt is about to wake up Ymir from her nap, but the girl is smiling so peacefully he decides a few more minutes can’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know I felt kind of sad and this happened.


	9. Look After You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were protecting me the whole time, and I don’t know how I can ever repay you for that.”

“They’re… _eating_ Ymir!” Connie says in shock.

Historia is horrified. This _can’t_ be the end. She can’t believe that what she’s seeing is her reality.

She still hasn’t told Ymir her name- she knows Ymir’s secret now, it’s not fair to Ymir this way.

She marches forward, ignoring Connie’s protests.

“Wait, Ymir!” she calls out to her. “There’s still something I need to tell you!”

She is scrambling across the pieces of the fallen tower. Adrenaline is pulsing through her. She is almost out of time- they both are.

“I have yet to tell you my real name!” It’s childish, she knows, and her throat is dry.

_It’s not fair._

A titan appears in front of her. She gasps.

“Wait!” she pleas, it’s reaching for her.

_I need to tell Ymir!_

Something in the back of her mind is telling her to run, to get out of there, but she fights it. She doesn’t care she’s about to die- she just can’t go until she tells Ymir.

Mikasa is the one who saves her.

Historia runs to Ymir’s side- there is steam and blood everywhere. Half of her limbs are missing, and Historia holds her as gently as she can.

She’s crying, and smiling- she’s never once felt so happy. _Ymir_ is _alive._

She cradles her head, displaying genuine care.

“Ymir… my name is… Historia.”

She pulls her closer, and Ymir is looking at her so longingly- as if she’s trying to say something important. But her body relaxes and her eyes shut, she’s wearing a great big smile that warms Historia’s heart.

Historia doesn’t let go right away, fearing that Ymir won’t wake up.

_Please come back to me._

She caresses her face lightly, memorizing the sensation of touching her skin.

“I love you.” she whispers, well aware the girl can’t hear it, but saying it sounds right. She’s certain she means it, certain she _feels_ it, her heart feels blissfully light- she supposes the hollowness was weighing her down the whole time.

Except for talking to Hanji, Historia refuses to leave Ymir’s side, leaning down and tending to her.

 “Ymir.” she says. The older girl doesn’t stir, resting in a limbo between peace and turmoil, her wounds are taking a long time to heal. Historia runs her fingers through her hair.

“You were protecting me the whole time, and I don’t know how I can ever repay you for that.” She half smiles. “I know you wouldn’t want me to. But I was thinking… you’re always saying how you’re looking out for yourself. You were lying, you’ve been helping me instead.

“Ymir, I think maybe… deep down you want someone to watch over you. And I will, I’ll look after you, I promise. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. We’ve learned each other’s secrets, we can be together now.” She squeezes her hand- it’s hot to the touch. She leans down and kisses her temple. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

There is a loud booming sound, and suddenly Historia is thrown off the ground. She holds on to whatever she can, and her body goes rigid as she sees the Colossal Titan appear out of nowhere- and throws Ymir in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only a few images but Historia looking at Ymir when she's healing just breaks my heart oh my god. So this happened. And thanks Bertholdt for ruining everything.  
> I know the ending is kind of rushed but literally Bertholdt just transforms and takes Ymir so I kind of ran with it.


	10. Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir had sworn to herself she would never transform into a titan again.

When Ymir first regains her consciousness she thinks she’s having a nightmare. The memories flood her mind instantly, her whole village watching as she’s sacrificed, the harsh words from her parents right before- too much for a girl the mere age of twelve. Her breath quickens.

“Mommy?” she whimpers, crying. Her mother isn’t there to comfort her. Or anyone. Just the moans of titans far off in the distance. She shivers. She has no idea where she is, or what’s going on.

She looked at her hands, staring at them as if they weren’t real. Who’s to say any of it is real? Instinctively, she bites her right hand, and winces. She’s in her titan form again, and her mind isn’t blank. Panicking, she brings herself out of it, afraid she will lose herself again.

She wails. She’s hungry, thirsty, and tired; she’s somewhere in the wilderness, she has no haven. She crouches down and tries to wipe away the tears to no avail, they keep falling.

 

 

 

“Shhhh it’s okay.” A soothing voice says. “Ymir you’re safe.”

She jolts awake. It takes her a few seconds to process that she had been dreaming of that day, and that someone is holding her, maternally.

“Mom?” she asks, confused. Her heart is pounding, but she slowly calms.

She hears a sharp inhale. “No, it’s me.”

“Oh.” Ymir notices her face is wet. Ymir also notices it’s Christa _holding_ her, sitting up against the headboard, stroking her hair comfortingly. “Did I wake anyone else up?”

“Just me I think.”

“You can let go of me now.” she speaks briskly.

“Ymir…” she releases her arms reluctantly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Ymir is almost paralyzed. She’s terrified of what she could have said aloud, that Christa heard something she wasn’t meant to.

The girl slides down next to her, under the covers. She’s two inches away, and Ymir rolls over to face the other way.

Christa rubs her arm soothingly.

“You don’t have to say anything.” she murmurs. Slowly, Christa scoots closer to Ymir, framing her, wrapping an arm around her.

Ymir stills. Christa kisses her shoulder blade. At least, that’s what Ymir thinks just happened.

_Looks like the roles are reversed._

Surprisingly, she finds herself drifting off to sleep, she tries reminding herself to thank Christa in the morning.

 

 

 

Ymir had sworn to herself she would never transform into a titan again. Deep down she’s still terrified she’ll be lost in that form forever, living in her own personal hell. She half hopes that if she remains human, well _mostly_ human, it will go away, and she can live the rest of her life in peace.

When reflecting on her actions after bringing Dazz to safety, Ymir is perplexed on her reason for rescuing the bloke. She broke that promise to herself, to help _her_. A girl who would rather perish and be praised than live for herself.

_Why did I do that?_

“I really did a stupid thing, huh?” she asks, looking away from Christa, embarrassed. She is still uncertain of why she transformed to help her.

 _If only you knew,_ she thinks spitefully. _Maybe you could tell me why._

That night it’s freezing, and Christa insists they sleep in the same bed for extra warmth. Ymir can’t fall asleep right away, and she’s staring at the smaller girl, snuggled up against her, almost too inappropriately just to be “warm.”

It’s then Ymir gets her answer. She nearly snorts. _I didn’t think I was one for love, if that's what this is._

 

 

 

Ymir is dying, absolutely certain of it. Her heartbeat is slowing down and she feels as if she’s being pulled away. Her insides are burning, twisted up in positions they shouldn’t be, like there are writhing snakes inside of her. Her breathing is staggered. She could cry, she doesn’t want to die.

Her vision is blurry, she can barely make out Christa holding her, similar to many, many nights ago.

The blonde girl is talking, but all Ymir can make out is one word: Historia.

It takes Ymir a moment to understand this is her name.

Instantly, Ymir doesn’t regret breaking the promise she made five years ago. Historia is alive, thanks to her power.

She closes her eyes and smiles. She had been worried she would turn into a titan and die without regaining her consciousness for so long. Now she has nothing to fear. She doesn’t mind the idea of dying in Historia’s arms, her haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know where this came from but I will never be over poor baby girl Ymir being "killed for the happiness of many people" or whatever. Also sorry for not updating as recently, I have a several chapters but they seem to be incomplete so I'm trying to fix that haha.  
> And obviously Ymir didn't die at the end! She just passed out.


	11. Together (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Christa, we can’t be together.” The words taste toxic in her mouth.

“Christa, we can’t be together.” The words taste toxic in her mouth.  They’re alone in the woods, Christa had dragged Ymir out here so they could talk. She wishes it didn’t have to be this way.

Ymir knows she can’t be selfish- not this time. If Christa gets involved with her, there’s no good ending. One day Christa will know who- _what_ she really is and that will be the end of it.

“Why not?”

Ymir focuses on the branches above Christa’s head, not brave enough to look at her face.  She never imagined the possibility of Christa returning her feelings. She never intended to endanger the girl, truthfully there are a lot of things she never intended involving her. “We have too many secrets between us.”

“You know mine.”

“Not all of it.” Ymir glances down at the blonde girl. She can tell she’s fighting back tears, and she immediately feels guilty. “I don’t think it would be right.”

“Bullshit.” Christa glares, she’s angry now, no visible trace of sadness remains. “You’re just _scared._ ” Her voice cracks on the last word. “I don’t understand why. You’re not scared of the titans, you’re not scared of anything.”

 _You’re wrong._ “I’m sorry, Christa.”

“Don’t give me that.”

“Christa…”

“ _No._ You know I didn’t even think I could fall for someone, right? Ymir, you told me you have feelings for me, so why won’t you try? Why won’t you love me back?” she accuses, her big blue eyes begin to look watery.

 _I do love you, that’s the problem._ Ymir resents herself as the venom comes out. “Christa, why can’t you admit that you’re using me?”

The blonde takes a step back. “What?”

“We both know I’m the first person to actually care about you.” she begins. “You like the attention I give you- _I get that._ But it doesn’t mean you love me.”

“Ymir.” Her lip trembles.

 “So don’t you dare get mad at me for supposedly not loving you back.”

“You’re a rotten liar.”

This catches Ymir off guard.

Christa clenches her fists. “Don’t try to use my fucked up past as an excuse for whatever your problem is.”

Ymir swallows. She’s never seen the girl this angry before.

“Do you think it would be fair to either of us? With all the lies?” Her voice softens. “It would be wrong.”

“It could be the only thing we do _right_!” Her voice is raised.

“I’m sorry.” Ymir repeats, and leaves. Christa is screaming at her, begging her to come back. She forces herself forward.

For the rest of the day Christa refuses to even look at her.

 _Maybe it’s for the best_ , she thinks. Her heart feels as if it’s on the cusp of shattering into a million pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. Ha. I've had this idea of Ymir telling Christa they can't be together even though that's what she really wants for awhile.   
> Don't worry the continuation of this will have a lighter note.


	12. Together (Part 2)

“Ymir?” Christa gently nudges her shoulder. They haven’t talked since yesterday’s fight.

“I’m awake.” the freckled girl replies, her eyes remain closed. Truthfully Ymir expected Christa to come around, too forgiving for her own good. Their voices are hushed, the lights are out, and many of the other girls are already asleep, exhausted by the day’s training.

“I know you said we can’t be together because of the secrets.” Christa begins, tentatively.

Ymir breathes out and tries to stay relaxed. “What are you getting at?”

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Ymir shifts over. “It’s not like this is the first time. I don’t see why you’re making a big deal out of it.” She pats the space next to her. She opens her eyes, Christa is still standing next to the bed.

“Just get over here already so we can get some rest.”

“Forget it.” Christa silently enters her own bunk, lying on her side facing the opposite direction.

Ymir stares at her for a good minute before deciding to crawl in next to her. She gently rubs the blonde’s arm.

“Hey.”

No response.

“Did you want to talk about it?”

“Not anymore.”

“That’s not fair.”

Christa’s body is tense, and a tremor flows through her body. She rolls over, facing Ymir, she’s still furious with her, but she wants to forget it happened. She had thought about what Ymir said, wondering if maybe there is a part of her using Ymir selfishly. But tonight she doesn’t care.

“I want one good night.” she whispers.

“Eh?”

“For one night, I want to pretend we’re together, some place far away.”

“You want to pretend we’re in some sort of paradise?”

Christa nods, and leans up against her. Ymir sighs and wraps her arm around her.

“One night.” she breathes, pulling her closer.

Ymir hasn’t allowed herself to fantasize a future where there are no more secrets between them. Let alone a place where they could be happy. She inhales deeply, trying to memorize this moment, in case they never get another chance.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.”

“Don’t ruin the moment.”

Ymir smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kind of short! I wanted to make it a little happier but recently I've been writing more angst whoops.


	13. Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So you like it on top, huh?"

They’re assigned to be partners for a day. Ymir stands next to her, stifling a laugh. The girl frowns.

“What’s so funny?” she asks.

Ymir gestures to her.  “You’re tiny.” she explains.

Christa crosses her arms. “And?”

“It will be interesting to see how this plays out.” she speaks with indifference.

“You better not go easy on me.” Christa warns.

They’re standing in front of each other, arms raised in fighting stances. The blonde has a determined look in her eyes and it both frightens and excites Ymir, even though she knows there’s no way she can beat her. For once Christa doesn’t appear to be a shy, demure girl. Her blue eyes reveal a storm, and Ymir finds herself cast under.

The blonde strikes a punch, a simple maneuver that Ymir can deflect without a second thought. The brunette takes a swing, and Christa ducks out of the way. She’s glowering.

“I told you not to go easy on me.” she says, jabbing her.

“What makes you think I am?”

Christa grunts, receiving a hit that was harder than what Ymir intended.

“I’ve seen you fight the others. Ymir, if you don’t attack me the same way you’d attack Reiner, I’ll never get better. And you’re not doing yourself any favors.”

“Fine.”

Ymir understands Christa’s point, she doesn’t hold it back anymore, if Christa wants a real fight, she’ll get one. To Ymir’s surprise, the girl is much stronger than one might suspect.

As the hour passes they both become battered and bruised, Christa more so, but every time Ymir so much as hesitates Christa’s anger is channeled through a harder kick. When Ymir pushes Christa down and offers to lend her a hand, there is a slight smirk that makes her regret it. Christa pulls Ymir down next to her and winds up on top of her, pinning her arms down.

“Don’t be nice right now.” Christa lectures.

The brunette, caught off guard, is staring up at her intensely. She’s dizzy, and focuses on the grip of Christa’s hands. They’ve been in this position for too long already, surely it already looks like something more, but if the other girl is aware of that she doesn’t let on.

Ymir struggles to get the blonde off her, but her arms are sore and she’s tired.

“So you like it on top, huh?”

Christa blinks. Once. Twice.

“You wish I did.” It’s then Christa loosens her grip and stands up.

They continue practicing as if the insinuation never happened, but Christa’s response is all Ymir can think of. What did she mean by it? Was she joking or is she aware of Ymir’s preferences? Not that she’s been subtle to begin with.

When the training is over Ymir wonders if the girl will avoid her- not that she can blame her. She doesn’t expect her to stick around.

Yet Christa walks behind her, following her straight to the barracks.

“Do you want something?” she questions harshly, with the slight intention of ruining any chance of friendship.

Christa doesn’t seem to take this to heart. It occurs to Ymir that maybe she’s been treated worse before.

“I want to be your training partner.” the blonde answers.

“Why?” Ymir is almost unnerved, why would Christa willingly pick someone like her?

“You’re the only person who doesn’t treat me like I’m some fragile doll. I know I improved today because of it.” Christa reveals.

“You’re welcome, then.”

“And for the record, I would be on top.”

“If you say so, shortie.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been updating as recently as I'd like, I have a lot of stuff planned out though, my goal is to try to finish this by the end of the year...maybe.  
> Anyways this originally was going to be sad, but I liked how this turned out. The sad idea I originally had will probably be the next chapter, we'll see.


	14. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir doesn’t feel human. Sometimes she doubts that she is one.

Ymir doesn’t feel human. Sometimes she doubts that she is one. She’s breathing and surviving, but there’s nothing more to it than that. She’s usually not faking her disinterest, nothing interests her. She feels empty and she loathes it, rather, she would if she could actually feel something again. She thinks being a titan for that long screwed her up- the emotions she once experienced are gone.

She tries to feel alive. She wishes she could feel grateful, but part of her wishes she could just die already. Yet, she can’t stand the thought of dying a second time.

She can’t get back what she once had. She questions why she’s still here, and sometimes she truly does believe that she really is dead, wandering her soulless self in some kind of hell.

The first time she steals, her mind feels rushed, there is a pressure. Crouching in an alleyway, she smiles for the first time in years. Suddenly the grey clouds inside her don’t look so gloomy. She holds on to the taste of feeling alive. A familiar determination strikes within her: she will live this life for herself. She’s still broken and mostly hollow, aware this damage won’t go away. But she won’t give in to her despair anymore.

 

Ymir is taller than most of the girls she trains with. They avoid her, she doesn’t blame them. Most people tend to and she’s used to it. She’s rough looking, coarse, and rude.

The first person to introduce themselves to her freely is a tiny blonde girl. Ymir is not impressed. The girl, Christa, wears smiles that are far too cheery. Ymir nearly tells her to fuck off when she notices the smile is forced. This catches her attention. Christa is just as empty as she is- she just masks it behind kind words and false happiness.

 _Why?_ Ymir wonders. _Why did she become like this?_

Initially, Ymir sticks near to her out of genuine curiosity. To her surprise, Christa welcomes her company. She can’t fathom why, perhaps it’s because they understand one another.

For the first time since she escaped her titan form, she _feels_ something powerful, a spark, a pull. This is a sensation previously unknown to her.

_What is this?_

Her heart is beating faster than usual, but not in a bad way. She’s entering the dining area, knowing Christa is saving a seat for her.

Ymir sits across from her. Those big blue eyes can see through her, she’s sure.

Ymir scans the girl, trying to calm herself and make sense of it all.

“Hi, Ymir.” she greets with that forced optimism. Ymir grunts in response.

There’s something about that smile, she can’t figure it out. She looks over at Sasha, she’s smiling too, but it’s not nearly as wonderful to look at.

Ymir questions why.

Looking back at Christa, obliviously eating her soup, it dawns on her. There’s a _light,_ those storm clouds in her are gone, the sunlight replacing them.

 _You don’t see it,_ she thinks. _But you might actually be a goddess._

Ymir hadn't given love the chance to even be considered. She covers up a small smile by biting into a piece of bread.  _  
_

It makes sense to her, after meeting Christa, Ymir had regained some of the emotions she thought were gone for good.

And if love is one of those, she'll gladly take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this doesn't convey the message I wanted to get across, but I don't know what else to add to this chapter.  
> Also, Chapter 62 is pretty wild from what I've seen! I have a super sad chapter based off that coming up, be prepared.


	15. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're a story, Christa is the princess and Ymir is the monster.

Sometimes Ymir likes to imagine this isn’t the life they’re living. She grew up with fairy tale stories, how the prince would slay the monster and rescue the princess from her tower. Ymir never liked the prince, thinking the monster was misunderstood, and why couldn’t the princess defend herself anyway?

Christa is the princess she must restrain herself from eating once wild. No, Christa is too inherently good for that to even be an option. Christa’s too good for anyone, especially her. In this fantasy she thinks about herself, it’s obvious that she’s the monster. A shriveled, hideous thing with deep beady black eyes and razor sharp teeth meant for gnawing on human flesh. Her claws and her beak of a nose look out of place, but that mass of hair makes her look like a joke. Something to pity if she weren’t so terrifying.

Ymir would play the role of the monster eagerly, placing Christa in some tower where she’ll be safe, making sure nothing comes near her. In a sense she’s started this pursuit, giving up her spot to join the military police was a sacrifice she would repeat.

 

 

Ymir watches the shorter girl, painfully aware of the place she has in her heart.

_What are you doing here? You don’t belong, I’m a monster, Christa._

Christa doesn’t know this. If she did, surely she wouldn’t smile at her with such genuine warmth, a spell that makes Ymir melt hopelessly. Christa, who holds her hand when they’re alone, tracing her thumb against Ymir’s so softly, as if she’s trying to reassure her of something.

Ymir hates herself for deceiving her. What is she supposed to do? Tell her the truth? When she realized who Christa really is, she half wondered if it would make the girl more accepting. Then Trost happens, and the moment she witnesses Christa’s jaw drop and eyes widen with fear, her whole body trembling, Ymir can only imagine the same reaction would take place upon finding out the girl she’s been bunking with is one of _them_.

 

 

That night, Christa insists they sleep in the same bed again. It takes hours for Ymir to fall asleep, listening to the girl’s breathing. Eventually this sound lulls her to darkness.

She’s in her titan form, the monster she was born to be. She knows she’s dreaming, but she can’t control her actions. She’s gripping Christa tightly, and her arm is rising up. _No,_ Ymir thinks. _Not like this._

Christa is screaming, over and over “Ymir, please! Please come back, this isn’t you!” Her face is covered in tears, and as Ymir pulls her closer to her teeth, her eyes close. There is a look of resolve, and it’s that sudden appearance of peace that breaks Ymir’s heart. She wants to wake up, but she doesn’t- not until she hears the _crunch_ of Christa’s body and tastes her blood.

She wakes up, panting, heaving. She wipes at her face, not surprised to find out she’d been crying. Christa stirs and Ymir worries she will wake up, to her relief, she doesn’t. It hurts Ymir to be this close to her, feeling as if she’s betraying her. She crawls into her own bunk, suppressing a sob.

In the morning Christa asks her why she moved. Ymir shakes her head, unable to give her a verbal answer. It’s cruel, she knows, but maybe it’s for the best.

 

 

At Castle Utgard Ymir is briefly reminded of her daydream. The tower is shaking and there are too many titans surrounding them. In the back of her mind, she wonders if maybe the monster was protecting the princess because they cared about her. Ymir stares at Christa.

 _Monsters don’t get happy endings,_ she reminds herself. Her heart swells in spite of it all. _But the princesses do._

She realizes this is a foolish notion, their lives are certainly no fairy tale, but maybe Christa will get the ending she deserves. Ymir has to give her that chance, otherwise what’s the point?

 

 

Ymir is trying to focus on anything but the pain. Christa is there, Ymir vaguely recalls her fear of Christa rejecting her for who she is. However, against all logic, Christa is smiling at her tenderly, and for once, she doesn’t feel like a monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... I don't really know what to say about this one.


	16. Anger (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Historia Reiss was never loved by her parents…or anyone for that matter.”

“Historia Reiss was never loved by her parents…or anyone for that matter.”

 _Except Ymir,_ a voice in the back of her head reminds her. She shuts it out. If Ymir loved her, she wouldn’t have left. It’s that simple, right?

She should have known better. She shouldn’t have clung to the first person who treated her as a fellow human being. The first person to joke with her, the first to call her out, the only person to see through her mask and _care_. Ymir was the first to make her feel like maybe she _was_ more than a child born out of wedlock, and that maybe she _should_ live for herself.

Historia could see through Ymir’s mask too (at least, she thought she could).

“I’m here for myself.” Ymir told her all the time.

Historia thought it sounded like she was trying to convince herself of that more than anything. She would have believed it if Ymir didn’t end up doing so many nice things for _her_. How Ymir would spend hours training her, saying things like “You’re not going to get any better if you don’t push yourself,” or “How are you going to get in the top ten with that attitude?” Ymir would encourage her, mostly with harsh words, but they worked.

 _They_ worked. Historia wasn’t lying when she told Ymir she wasn’t afraid when she was with her. She knew Ymir supported her. She believed the older girl cared about her- always looking out for her, making her feel _wanted_. She would give Historia her full attention, her warm brown eyes softening on her, as if Historia was the most important thing in the world.

But maybe she was just selfish enough to assume Ymir loved her. Perhaps she didn’t matter, besides, what could Historia Reiss possibly know about _love_?

It takes her awhile to get used to Ymir’s absence. She’s waiting for Ymir to say something abrasive, for Ymir to rest her elbow on her shoulder, for Ymir to make some joke about them eloping. An excruciating pain stabs through her heart when she realizes she’s waiting for the impossible, and the numbness spreads across her insides, fighting against the ache. She’s used to pushing away her feelings, but it’s never been this hard before.

Historia had lived a life where her two friends were emptiness and want. It wasn’t until meeting Ymir that she understood what it was like to truly feel content, happy even. It was Ymir who drove emotions out of her, almost effortlessly. She would _grin_ at her and Historia swears it was the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. Now Historia blanks it out, suppressing all the good memories so she can hate Ymir without feeling guilty, and the anger nearly consumes her.

Despite this, Ymir always has a way of coming back to her, like the first time they held hands and Ymir’s was slightly sweaty but warm and Historia never wanted to let go. Or that one night they were in the same bed and Historia woke up to Ymir curling up against her, pulling her tight. She made fun of her the next day, loving the way her freckles stood out when she was blushing.

Historia nearly smiles at these thoughts, but then the loneliness seeps in and _it hurts so much_. She gets angry, angry at herself for allowing these feelings get to her, angry at Ymir for leaving her, and then angry at anyone who interrupts her periods of brooding. But she conceals her rage, she’s grown accustomed to keeping these feelings bottled up. What choice does she have?

Still, as much as Historia attempts to block her, attempts to hate her, she can't. It's not in her nature. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor lil gay angst baby. Sorry for not updating as much but I should have more posted soon. Also I have a few Yumikuri AUs that I'll post soon (not in this series, obviously). Feedback would be nice and thank you all for reading and being patient with me. 
> 
> Also, Part 2 for this chapter will be continued once more of the manga gets released.


	17. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir is the only person to see through Historia, and it scares her.

Ymir scares Historia. From the moment they met, when she was helping Sasha she felt caught- trapped, almost paralyzed. It’s not even like she was doing anything wrong, she was trying to make sure the girl was going to be okay, even if it wasn’t for the right reasons.

When Ymir looked at her, her dark skin traced with shadows, Historia had to hold in her breath.

She thought she was convincing. She thought her act of innocence and kindness was working. Everyone bought her smiles, believed she truly did want to join the army for a good cause. Then this girl came out of nowhere and stared at her, questioning her motives for one simple act.

From that one look Historia knew she was fucked. Ymir clearly could see right through her. It was going to ruin everything.

Ymir seemed to have realized her panic, and let the topic go, carrying Sasha back to her bunk. Historia promised herself that she would stay away from this girl, knowing she couldn’t risk someone finding out about her past.

 

 

At first, Historia does avoid her. It’s not that hard, considering they’re usually in different groups for training, and she has people to eat with, people who buy the sweetness that comes  from her pretty pink lips. She enjoys the company of Sasha and Mina, nice girls who offer to brush her hair and spend their free time with her.

Historia’s fear of being caught fades, now that she has made herself known as a “goddess.” Still, she feels somewhat guilty lying to her friends, she’s not _her_ , she can’t be. She’s scared of slipping.

 

 

Ymir eats her meals by herself, talks only to the people she’s training with if she has to, and during breaks she’s nowhere to be seen. Historia notices, _of course_ she notices. She wishes she didn’t, she wishes she could forget about the whole thing, but Ymir’s amber eyes piercing into her soul can’t escape her mind.

And, if she’s going to be honest with herself, she feels drawn to Ymir. Maybe it’s because she helped her once without asking for anything in return, maybe it’s because she feels sorry for her, surely she must be lonely. Or maybe, just maybe it’s because Historia has never seen anyone so beautiful.

One morning Historia sits across from Ymir for breakfast. Ymir raises an eyebrow and then tries to act like she doesn’t care. Historia wonders if they have more in common than she once thought, aware they both are hiding their true selves. For the rest of the day, Historia sticks near her, expecting Ymir to push her away with harsh words. It doesn’t happen. She can tell Ymir is studying her, trying to figure out what is going on, something that not even she can explain.

A silent agreement is made, they’ll each play the game, and see how long these secrets will last.

 

 

But now, Ymir scares Historia for an entirely different reason. She’s the first person Historia has ever let in, the first person she’s ever allowed to get this close. It’s not that she doesn’t trust Ymir, it’s the opposite: she trusts Ymir more than she trusts herself, and it terrifies her. She never meant for this to happen, she was supposed to join and die honorably, to add pride to her Reiss name.

And the worst part is: Ymir knows. Ymir knows she is willing to die in vain if it means being seen in a good light. Oddly, she still stays by her side, watching over her. Historia cannot understand it, yet she’s grateful. It’s comforting to know that she doesn’t have to go through this alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the lack of updates, I've been going through some rough weeks. The good news is I'm out of school in a month and will have a lot more time to write.  
> I really wanted to do Yumikuri Week but I might just end up incorporating some of those prompts into this haha.


	18. Jealousy & Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir learned not to trust people years ago.

Of course Historia knows that Ymir likes girls. She’s grateful that Ymir trusted her enough to tell her. No one’s ever dared get that close to her before. And it’s not like she hasn’t caught Ymir  staring at Mikasa’s lovely body with that amazing abdomen (something she’s guilty of as well). 

And she's painfully aware Ymir had (has?) feelings for her- and it's killing her because she's unable to return them. But when she catches Ymir watching Annie, her stomach twists. It makes sense in her mind, Annie is quiet, beautiful, and stoic. Not to mention she and Ymir have a lot in common. They tend to keep to themselves, for one. And they can _fight_.

Ymir beat Annie once. By luck. Out of the numerous times they were training together.

She couldn’t stop bragging about it, claiming she’s the only one to have done it. Historia wasn’t too happy to hear it. She was too busy being upset that Ymir would rather train with Annie. She _knows_ it makes sense, they’re relatively well matched. Unlike her, with her tiny form and weak arms and eyes that are far too big. Ymir can’t get better if she keeps training with her.

Historia also knows she has no right to be jealous, she told Ymir she can’t reciprocate her feelings. The jealousy poisons her anyway, making her oblivious to the fact that Ymir stares at her more than Annie, and usually is right there by her side.

_You’re_ my _friend,_ she thinks selfishly, attentively looking at Ymir who glances at Annie a few tables to the right.

“Why don’t you go eat with her?” Historia asks.

Ymir returns her attention to her. “Eat with who?”

Historia’s stomach is churning. “Annie.”

Ymir looks confused. “Why would I want to do that? I’m not really in the mood for her to give me bruises again.”

“Don’t you like her?”

“Well yeah I guess, she’s not as annoying as that shithead- wait you think I’m _in_ to her?” she asks incredulously.

Historia shrugs, trying to act indifferent. “You _were_ just staring at her.”

“Christa, just because I was looking in that direction doesn’t mean have feelings for her.”

Historia doesn’t reply.

“Besides,” Ymir adds. “Do you really think I’d want to piss off Mikasa?”

“What? They’re not together…right?”

Ymir smirks and eats a spoonful of soup. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Historia can’t fight her urge to smile, and she does, changing the conversation.

 

 

Historia wakes up in the middle of the night, since she has to pee. Once she leaves the bathroom, she walks quietly back to bed, until she hears whispers in a hallway to her left. Curious, she nearly tiptoes over, and her blood goes cold once she sees Ymir and Annie standing close to each other. Ymir’s back is facing her, and she tries to stifle her gasp, but Annie is there in the shadows and notices her presence- Annie’s light blue eyes staring at her blankly.

She sees Ymir turn around but she is walking off, back to the bathroom, trying not to cry. She knows she shouldn’t feel this way, but her heart _hurts_ and she doesn’t know what to do.

“Christa…” Ymir had followed her.

“Why didn’t you just tell me when I asked?” Historia's voice wavers.

“Christa I don’t like her like that.”

“Then what was going on?”

“It’s complicated, but I swear nothing is going on between us.”

“It’s fine, if there is.” Historia says. “I-I shouldn’t be upset because-” and _fuck_ the tears start pouring out. “Because I don’t think I can ever feel that way and I just wish you _told_ me.” she knows she sounds like a whiny child but she can’t help it. She holds back a hiccup.

For once, Ymir doesn’t say anything. She hugs her, for the first time, cautiously, and tries to soothe her.

“I’m sorry.” Historia says, mumbling into Ymir’s shirt, dampening it with her tears.

“Shhh you’re okay. You already told me how you feel alright? I’m not asking you to do anything. And if something were going on between me and Annie, I’d tell you. I promise.”

For once, Historia is paying attention. To the softness in her usually rough voice. To the way Ymir runs her hand through her hair. To how close she is, she can hear Ymir’s heartbeat, it’s slow and steady. And then she cries harder. She wishes she could feel the same way, but something’s blocking her. She wants to Ymir to know that she cares for her, even if it’s not like that. She wants to know why she won’t allow herself to love her.

 

 

Ymir learned not to trust people years ago. Which is why, for the most part, she doesn’t trust her fellow trainees, they’re far too arrogant and reckless and naïve. Only two of them have got her attention. The first one is Christa, with her martyr complex. It’s not that she doesn’t trust her, she _worries_ about her. The second one is Annie. She does _not_ trust Annie.

Initially, she’s unsure why. Annie doesn’t cause trouble, and she’s usually alone. Ymir would be that way too, if it weren’t for Christa. She then grows suspicious of Annie because she can see herself in her. So she keeps an eye on her, trying to figure her out.

One of her first hints is Annie’s fighting style- she’s too skilled, too different to just ignore. Ymir can _sense_ something is off, and it scares her. It gets her thinking, the possibility of _another_ titan shifter isn’t unlikely, considering she is living proof of that.

 But Ymir isn’t here to take down humanity, she’s her to save her own ass, and Christa’s too. She has no idea why Annie is here, and that’s what frightens her the most.

When Christa catches her staring, it occurs to her that she might not have been as subtle as she thought, which means Annie has most likely noticed too.

This is why Ymir gets Annie to some place private they can talk.

“I know you’re like me.” Ymir says, staring her down.

“So you finally noticed.” Annie replies, with the premise of a smirk on her lips.

Ymir’s shocked Annie doesn’t deny it, but maybe it’s because they understand one another.

“I have a favor to ask of you. From one monster to another.” Ymir planned on saying it jokingly, but it comes out sounding serious.

“Are you really in a position to be asking?”

“Are you really in a position to argue?”

“Fair enough. I’ll listen.”

“If I’m not around, you’re the only one who can protect Christa.” Ymir begins. “You’re both going to join the Military Police.”

“You really think that girl can really make it in the top ten?”

“I can guarantee it.”

Annie looks up at her solemnly.

“Please.” Ymir begs, desperate.

Annie’s attention focuses on behind her. Ymir turns around- just in time to see Christa walking away. Shit. _Shit._

Ymir follows her without saying a word to Annie, but she hears the girl mutter “Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought this would be interesting bc i find ymir and annie's relationship (well, most likely their lack of one) really interesting. two female titan shifters, something could have gone on.  
> and i totally understand why most of the jealousy prompts are tied into reiner, but i thought i'd try this out. so yeah. thankfully in 2 weeks i'm out of school so i hope you'll be ready for a lot more yumikuri, i've got some stuff planned.  
> and to those of you who have been reading tricks and war: sorry i haven't touched it in months, i'm working on a good ending but i'm just not as invested in that au anymore haha.  
> thanks for reading!


	19. Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you’re going to cry then you should have left."

It’s not humanity Ymir would give her beating heart for. She’s pleading to the sun, to the stars, to _anything,_ that Christa will back out now. It’s not too late. She can still leave, live a life that’s better than this. Christa deserves more.

“If you’re going to cry then you should have left.” Ymir says. She knows it sounds harsh, but she doesn’t know how else to convince the girl to go. She can’t get her to understand that she has to go, she fucking _has to go_ she can’t stay here.

It breaks Ymir’s heart to see her cry, those silent tears streaking Christa’s face as her horrified expression replaces her usual smile.

 _I gave up my spot for you,_ she thinks out of desperation. _Why didn’t you take it? Why aren’t you leaving now?_

There are words with more venom that Ymir contemplates using: calling her weak, not brave enough, maybe even telling her the truth. No, she knows she can’t tell Christa she didn’t really earn her chance to join the Military Police, because then Christa would ask her why she did it.

How is Ymir supposed to answer that? Christa was meant to be her bargaining tool- nothing more than that. She wasn’t supposed to be her _friend,_ let alone fall for her. She wasn’t supposed to risk her own safety for the girl.

Christa’s sobs remain silent, and Ymir wonders if it’s because she’s used to crying- not wanting anyone to hear. Ymir looks down. It’s decided then, she can’t fathom abandoning Christa here, what else does she have? Maybe they’ll make it out alive in the end after all.

Ymir stares at the fire burning, trying to focus on the flames, thinking maybe if she stares at it long enough, everything will be okay.

Christa leans into her, her hands covering up her eyes. Ymir wasn’t prepared for this contact, but she instantly wraps her arms around the girl. She pulls her closer, wanting to protect her from the titans, from the world. Christa is trembling in her arms, and Ymir holds in her breath. She has never been this scared before, not when she was sacrificed, not earlier at Trost, for it is in this moment she realizes it’s over.

She’s not scared for herself, she died once, it’ll probably be easier the second time around. She’s afraid for Christa, for her future. It’s not going to be easy, in this fucked up world they live in. Yet she knows she has to give it all she’s got.

Ymir’s thoughts are a whirlwind and she swears her heart is going to burst into a million pieces. She holds back a sob and breathes slowly. She needs to be strong for Christa, she needs the girl to be comforted, to be safe. She doesn’t care what the others are thinking. She doesn’t care if Christa can’t love her back. This is enough.

Ymir moves her right hand to stroke Christa’s hair, feeling that’s the right thing to do. Then she tenderly kisses the top of her head. She’s unsure if Christa is aware of the gesture, but she thinks she stopped crying.

Christa pulls back slightly, her chest against Ymir’s, her eyes looking up at her.

“You’re going to be okay, Christa.” she murmurs, voice barely louder than a whisper.

That night, with Christa snoring softly beside her, Ymir replays that moment over and over. If Christa had left she would have followed her without question. She thinks about what could have happened if she suggested leaving.

_Hey Christa, let’s get out of here and live for ourselves, yeah?_

The girl wouldn’t have gone with her though, and Ymir knows that. But still, this idea haunts her.

_Live for ourselves._

Ymir doesn’t understand why Christa chose to stay. Even with knowing the truth of her heritage she can’t make sense of it.

_You can turn your life around._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short and I am so sorry for the lack of updates! My laptop was broken for around three weeks (thankfully it's fixed) and I've been busy during my break! I promise I have more Yumikuri coming up soon, how do you guys feel about sports yuri hell?  
> Don't worry, the next update won't nearly take a month this time, and thank you all for reading!  
> Also part of this chapter was inspired by this image: http://yumikuries.tumblr.com/post/105573103793 since all I could focus on was Ymir holding Historia and how scared she looked- they are going to be the death of me.


	20. A Nice Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know what a good summary would be for this one haha.

There are a ton of guys surrounding Ymir, making crude remarks and asking vulgar questions. She’d be fine if there weren’t so many, but they’re preventing her from leaving. She keeps her mouth shut- for once. She wishes she hadn’t been so _open_ , maybe she shouldn’t have made all those jokes to Christa. She never considered people would turn it into a big deal.

Ymir’s prepared for a fight, she’s way outnumbered but she could throw a few punches before she loses.

She doesn’t get the chance.

“What’s going on?” asks no one other than Christa, whose voice is missing its usual softness. Her pale blue eyes narrow as she walks up to Ymir and protectively stands in front of her. The boys silent themselves.

Ymir wonders if it has something to do with the fact that the “angel” they see Christa as is defending her, and is far from angelic. They don’t seem so scary now. Ymir’s breathing slows.

“Just some teasing.” one tries.

“Well, cut it out.” Christa demands, firm.

Some say they will, some nod, and all leave with the shame of being called out by her.

Christa turns to face Ymir.

“What really happened?”

Ymir shrugs. “They were just being jerks, it happens.”

“Was it because you-”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Christa frowns. She reaches for Ymir’s hand.

“I worry about you sometimes.”

“You don’t need to.” Ymir averts her eyes. She’s a little embarrassed that Christa got rid of them so effortlessly. She’s supposed to be the one always looking out for _her_ , making sure she gets enough to eat, making sure she’s training hard- hard enough to make it into the top ten, making sure-

“I heard some of the names.” Christa admits. “Ymir, you don’t need to deal with this on your own, okay? I’m here for you.”

 _Here for you_ , the words echo in Ymir’s mind. She listens to Christa’s voice, watches her lips as the words come out, and as much as she wants to, she can’t believe her.

“I know.” Ymir lies. She offers her a small smile and the girl buys it- their roles almost switching for once.

 

...

 

Rose was sweet, and quite beautiful, through the eyes of eleven year old Ymir. She was the baker’s daughter, and would often spare Ymir a cupcake whenever she could. Rose was soft and gentle, and what Ymir believed was everything good in this world. She had strawberry blonde hair and vibrant green eyes and a pleasant high pitched giggle.

Ymir asked Rose if they wanted to get married when they’re older. Rose said yes and kissed her cheek. When she went to the bakery the next day, Rose’s parents didn’t allow her to enter, saying she needed to stay away from their daughter.

She has never been ashamed of liking girls, or of the fact that everyone seems to know. She’s ashamed of the fact that she’s a _monster,_ most of her life already spent in hell. And she hates that she lies about her past to Christa, giving her vague, sad answers.

Christa has never complained about Ymir’s not so subtle flirting. Ymir watches her closely, the girl will shake her head while smiling. “Oh Ymir,” she’ll say, changing the subject. Ymir has always assumed Christa appreciated the attention- not that she can blame her.

 

... 

 

“I’m gonna show Christa a nice time.” Ymir jests, as the two of them leave the barracks.

“Why don’t you?” Christa asks.

Ymir frowns. “Why don’t I what?”

“Show me a nice time.”

Ymir stumbles on her feet, and tries to play it cool. “Aren’t you having a nice time now?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No I don’t, explain it to me.”

Christa rolls her eyes. “You always tell the other girls that we go out and… and do stuff. So why don’t we?”

Ymir stops walking.

“You would want to?”

Christa stops as well and shrugs.

“I think it’d be fun to try.”

Ymir had never prepared for Christa to take any of her jokes seriously. But now...

“Fine.” She chooses to roll with it, surely Christa is messing with her. She’s willing to see how far Christa will go, desperate for the touch, selfish enough to do so.

 

...

 

When Christa kisses her there are a million thoughts rushing inside her mind, matching her racing heart. The first is: Christa’s lips are chapped and rough, not soft like she imagined. The second is: Ymir’s never felt this vulnerable before.

When her mouth opens for Christa’s tongue she nearly laughs. She had a silly notion that Christa would taste sweet. Ymir can’t help but think about how wrong she was, Christa tastes bitter and she’s far from soft. She’s as firm of the bones she’s made of: rigid and hard to break.

The intensity of the kiss overwhelms her so she pulls away. Christa stares at her emptily.

Ymir breathes in deeply. Christa blinks.

“I always knew I liked girls.” Christa admits. “I never told anyone. The first time you joked about us ‘having a nice time,’ I thought somehow you figured it out, and that scared me. I didn’t want to be treated the way those guys treated you the other day.”

“Christa,” Ymir begins, and the girl shakes her head.

“Then I wondered why you stuck with me- if you knew. When I realized your jokes were just for fun, that you didn’t assume anything, I felt guilty for not telling you.” She pauses, smiling to herself.

“Why did it take so long for you to tell me?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Ymir grins.

“So you liked the jokes, then. It wasn’t just the attention?”

Christa scrunches her nose.

“You seriously thought I only liked the attention? Ymir, if I wanted that kind of attention I’d hang out with Reiner. And I do _not_ want to kiss Reiner.”

“You wanna kiss _me_.” Ymir teases.

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Christa says smiling, leaning up for another kiss.

 

 ...

 

Later that night, in the barracks, Ymir overhears Christa’s conversation with Mina.

“Where were you this afternoon?”

“Oh you know, I was showing Ymir a nice time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I didn't post a chapter last month, sorry guys. I can't promise that I'll be able to post as often as I'd like but I am aiming to do more. Also chapter 66 was pretty inspirational, definitely doing one based off that.  
> Thanks for sticking around!


	21. Touch (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ymir isn't used to being close to other people.

Ymir is unsure why she jerks her hand away instantly when Christa’s hand accidentally brushes against hers. It’s instinctive, a jolt, a feeling she cannot name. She hears Christa murmur the word sorry, and her throat is tight, preventing her from telling the girl “it’s fine.” Christa leaves, and Ymir skips dinner again.

They’re sitting with their backs against a tree, laughing at some joke Ymir cracked. She feels content, full even, laughing feels good. So good. Ymir hasn’t felt this alive in ages. Christa starts leaning into her. Ymir freezes and stops laughing immediately. Christa notices something is off.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Ymir doesn’t move. Christa is still leaning close to her, she’s warm. This is unfamiliar to her, she hasn’t had human contact with anyone in… in well over half a century. She is afraid of messing it up, unsure of how to respond to it. Does Christa not sense how close she is? Is her skin not burning from the touch? Ymir remains rigid, attempting to compose herself.

Christa seems to sense she’s too close, and pulls away.

“It’s fine.” Ymir says, wanting to reassure her, but lacking the words to do so.

 “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

Christa diverts her eyes. “I’ve never been friends with anyone, or anything more than that. I don’t know the basics.”

“Is that why you try to be so happy all the time? So people will like you?”

“Something like that.” she murmurs.

Ymir has known this since the beginning, but she appreciates the honesty.

“I haven’t had friends in a long time.” she says carefully. “I’ll still be your friend even if you’re not acting like a goddess, you know.”

Christa laughs. “I guess I can afford to be your friend even if you are a jerk.”

“Hey!” Ymir scowls. “We’re screwed aren’t we?”

“Maybe.” she answers. “At least we have each other, then.”

Hesitantly, Christa reaches for Ymir’s hand.

Ymir’s instinct is to jolt it away- Christa’s hand is as cold as ice. But she doesn’t, she intertwines their fingers and squeezes it gently. Her hand isn’t cold for much longer, and it feels nice. She begins to relax.

“I think you’re softer than you’d ever admit.” Christa says.

“Oh you think?”

“Well you’re definitely shy.”

“Quiet maybe.” Ymir adds.

“You’re shy around me.” Christa points out. She adjusts her position to face Ymir, staring up at her eyes, then her lips.

Ymir is feeling anything but relaxed now.

Christa leans in closer, tilting her head up.

“I think you’re only shy around me.” she breathes.

“Well,” Ymir begins. “I think you’re only flirtatious around me.”

Christa pulls back. She shakes her head.

“No.” she says. “That was not-”

“Then what was it?” Ymir asks, coyly.

Christa squeezes her hand and lets go.

Ymir flexes her hand and stares at, wishing her fingers were still intertwined with Christa’s. Physical contact is a concept she’s starting to understand again.

“We should go back.” Christa says.

“Yeah,” Ymir agrees. “We should.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm seriously so sorry it's been months since i've updated...but it's summer so i will be writing more yumikuris!


End file.
